Pushing Through It

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail ’em too.
Sally: What if they don’t want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That’s too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

The question of whether or not men and women can be friends is a cliché. It’s been discussed forever, generating thousands of listicles and navel-gazing think pieces. I don’t believe there’s an answer to the question. I think whether or not  a platonic friendship can exist between a straight man and straight woman depends on the people involved, their emotional maturity levels, what they find attractive, etc.

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For me, staying friends with someone I’m attracted to – especially if they’ve rejected me – is not possible.When you have attachment and abandonment issues the way I do, a relationship like that can be a very slippery slope. I wish that weren’t the case. I wish I were “normal” in that sense. Struggling with this stuff makes it very difficult for me to engage in relationships of any kind, platonic or otherwise. I tend to keep to myself or only take part in relationships that have a low investment level, say with people I meet online or people like this guy that make it clear there is no threat of actual intimacy. I’ve already detailed what I go through when a “real” relationship presents itself. There’s so much about me that is resilient and strong but this one part of me – the one that dictates how we form bonds or attachments – is broken. For now, at least. It’s a fracture that’s been slow to heal but there has been considerable progress over the last few years.

When Michael extended the offer of friendship a few weeks ago, I had to say no. Not just because I knew I’d just get more attached to him but because I wasn’t sure he knew how to be just friends with a woman. The more distance I have from the situation, the more I’m inclined to believe his version of “just friends” isn’t the same as yours or mine. As sure as I’m sitting here, I know that how he treated me isn’t typical. The question I’ve always had is whether or not he was trying to create a “will we or won’t we” vibe or of that’s just how he treats all his female friends. (Third option: he only befriends women he might date/sleep with so he always has a “spare” lying around should one relationship end.) Without having a baseline to refer to, I couldn’t tell.

The other thing that made me uncomfortable was how familiar he seemed with me. In a dating context, the things he did (taking me out for my bday, texting on my bday, dabbing  food from the corner of my mouth) were things that would seem normal. But change the context to just friends and all that stuff feels out-of-place coming from someone I’ve hung out with three times. If our friendship was more established, none of those things (except wiping my mouth) would seem abnormal.  I know I’m over-thinking this. There’s a reason for that.

I’m reconsidering his offer of friendship. Despite the mixed messages, I really enjoyed his company. We shared a love of murder porn and Investigation Discovery and Netflix documentaries. I never felt like I had to smooth out my rough edges so he’d be more comfortable. He appeared to accept me as I was. The real reason? I’m lonely.  And I still like him. And I need to stop running from the fear and discomfort that comes with letting my guard down. I’ll never get over it unless I push through it.

And I still like him. Big one. Big. Huge.

There are cons to this idea, of course. Like:

1. My renewed interest in being friends could be nothing more than an ego stroke for him.
2. I’ll have to do all the work to maintain said friendship, thereby making me feel pathetic.
3. I’ll get hurt, which might not necessarily be a bad thing if it makes me more willing to take the same risk in the future.

What are your thoughts?