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It’s tough for us to let someone into our lives and surrender to them a piece of ourselves that we can never take back. We want so bad to love and be loved and finding the right person to give ourselves to is a huge task in itself. That has to happen even before we get to walk the very narrow line of being excruciatingly uncomfortable in order to reach a level of trust we never knew could exist. And when we take the risk, it hurts like hell.

When we put love and trust into others, we want it in return. That’s a given. We want and expect the esteem and the loyalty to come together in tandem without second guessing, otherwise we’d just run right through our lives blind and untouched by everyone around us. We seek conviction and commitment from people because we all long for a deeper level of satisfaction. And that satisfaction can only be realized through attaining the intimacy and trust that true love bestows upon us.

When our love and trust is broken by the people we’d carefully chosen to give ourselves to, we feel rotten, betrayed, helpless, forlorn and torn to hell. There is no clear-cut way of getting over someone for whom it just didn’t work out. It’s a long drawn out process in trying to heal ourselves. There are fundamental steps we must take in order for the healing to begin.

Get Closure

We need closure because it gives us a chance to know with a true sense of solidarity that it’s really over. When we’re cheated out of closure (as in a fadeaway situation) we don’t get to move on. We don’t get to understand that we can no longer afford to place hope where it doesn’t belong. When we’re denied closure, we’re giving the other person the power to treat us like we’re unimportant and helpless, not to mention it makes us feel like dirt.

If you’ve invested a good amount of time in a relationship with someone and they walk out on you, DEMAND that they level with you enough to explain why. Any person who possesses a decent level of honor and respectability should grant you that and will without hesitation. And if they won’t give you the benefit of the doubt, then don’t hesitate to tell them to go straight to hell. Either way, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER in knowing the finality is set in stone. Closure provides that.

Talk About It

Look to your family and friends for support and possibly see a therapist if it becomes too difficult to move on. The need to talk about it is essential because it allows us to free up our frustrations and sadness. When we leave our pain wallowed up inside, we end up doing things that are by definition, insane. We start hoping, calling, stalking, becoming irrational, and being desperate. And very soon, a spiraling level of angst and depression ensues when we don’t have an outlet to express the direness of our pain.

I hear people to this day profess their pain from a fallout that happened eons ago. Their feelings are still lingering because they’ve had them buried forever inside. We cannot close the wounds that remain open and we are pouring salt on them when we do not allow ourselves the satisfaction of cleansing our souls. And cleansing our souls involves expressing our pain through our tears and OUR WORDS. Talk about it because you must.

Feel it necessary to grieve.

A lot of people, men in particular, find grief to be burdensome and useless because to be emotional is to be impotent and weak. Yes, when our hearts are broken we are weak. Weak of will, rationale, and weak of mind to face the prospect of going out in the world alone. Our level of trust in other people and ourselves has soured and it becomes difficult to differentiate between what’s healthy for us, and what isn’t.

Grief allows us to get closer to the heart of the matter by forcing us to come to grips with our sorrow and feelings of betrayal. It’s okay and it’s normal to feel an incredible amount of sadness. It’s okay to shed tears and it’s okay to want to be alone on a Friday night because you don’t feel like celebrating with your friends. Give yourself the latitude to feel your pain and to feel it with everything you’ve got. The only way to get through pain is to acknowledge that it’s there.

Don’t rehash yourself or the past.

It’s very tempting to blame ourselves for the other person “leaving us behind” and we try and piece together where we went wrong and where the relationship went south. We have to realize the end result is here and we have to accept it. Telling ourselves we screwed up, we’re not good enough, and that things would’ve worked out if….. doesn’t do anything but throw ourselves into a stone wall face first.

It’s over because that’s the way the cookie crumbles and it took TWO people to arrive at the end result. He/she played a major roll in the situation too and to focus blame on yourself and what you could’ve done differently is muddy water under the bridge.

Reveling in the past and trying to make sense of what didn’t work out is like kicking yourself repeatedly in your own rear end. It allows pain to stay alive and well and is the stock for which it thrives on the present. You can only move on by letting go of the past and not blaming yourself for all the things that are beyond your control.

Allow enough time to pass before entering another relationship.

Rebounds never work out because you know from the get-go, it feels like wet sand hanging around in our bathing suits. It just feels like crap. The rebound guy is there because that void in your soul is kicking and screaming to recapture what was once everything you knew. Rebounds don’t fulfill us, instead, they are a painful confirmation that what we knew is now dead.

You can’t live out your old glory days with someone that will never provide for you what you had with your ex. Rebounds are pipe dreams and they are temporary bandages covering up a decaying wounds that won’t heal because we aren’t letting them breathe. You can only heal by giving yourself some much needed space. Don’t be with someone again until you truly know you are ready and you are able to give it your best shot.

Breakups are the steel toe up our rear ends, cut and dried. And our infallible broken heart has to push its lifeblood through our veins before we can make sense of the mess we’re left to clean up. It is a process that we must face alone, but with the courage to reach out to others who can help us make sense of what doesn’t. People you can find support in when it feels like the walls are crashing down around us.

A broken heart only heals with time and time is all we get. Take the time to let it happen.